Every year, November 25 is the International Day for the Elimination of Violence against Women. On this occasion we sound the alarm about the scale of the phenomenon of domestic violence.

In this context, Asociația „Investește pentru Viitorul Tău” Buzău, together with specialists in the field with duties to solve cases of domestic violence, discrimination in the labor market and sexual harassment of women, will create interactive discussions, trying to identify the best solutions for reducing violence in the family, schools and society. Finding real solutions to the complex issues we face every day is a priority for all of us.

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FAMILY VIOLENCE

"Family violence" is any harmful, physical or emotional act that takes place between members of a family. Abuse within a family can take many forms: verbal abuse, denial of access to financial resources, isolation from friends and family, threats and attacks that in some cases can lead to the death of one of the partners. Although until recently it was assumed that the woman is most often the victim of violence in the family, following some research it was discovered that in fact the number of assaulted men is quite high.

According to Law 217/2003 family violence is any physical or verbal action committed with intent by a family member against another member of the same family, which causes physical, mental, sexual suffering or material damage.

Preventing a woman from exercising her fundamental rights and freedoms also constitutes domestic violence.

The forms of violence in the family

Physical violence – refers to touching or painful physical contact including physical intimidation directed at the victim. Forms: pushing, slapping, pulling hair, twisting arms, disfiguring, causing bruises, contusions, burns, beatings, punches, slaps or kicks, throwing various objects at the victim, hitting walls and furniture, using weapons. (Social assistance, studies and applications, Irimescu G., Ed. Polirom, Iaşi, 2005) Physical violence also includes the destruction of property that belongs to the victim or that the two partners own and use together.

Examples of physical violence include:

  • Being pushed
  • To be hit and slapped.
  • Being beaten with sticks, golf clubs, hurleys, hammers and belts.
  • Being stabbed with knives and pieces of glass.
  • Covering your mouth to keep from screaming during physical attacks.
  • Being spat on and soiled with urine.
  • To be severely beaten, to be pulled by the hair.
  • Being beaten and raped while pregnant, being thrown down the stairs while pregnant.
  • Being head-butted against walls and car windows.

Psychological violence (with the verbal, emotional component) – It is the central factor in controlling and manipulating the partner, through the behaviors of verbal attack and those of threat and emotional violence. Emotional violence/emotional abuse it precedes and accompanies the other forms of violence/abuse, but it can also be manifested in isolation through behaviors that terrorize the victim and destroy his self-confidence. It includes 6 important components: fear, depersonalization, deprivation, overloading with responsibilities, degradation, distortion of reality. Verbal violence it manifests itself through screaming, yelling, cursing, mocking, nicknames addressed to the victim, threats, intimidation, insults and constant humiliation.

Examples of psychological and verbal violence include:

  • To be degraded
  • Being criticized constantly
  • To be constantly controlled and monitored through the use of technology: including checking and recording phone use; checking phone connections and reading all messages; abusers use spyware to read emails and secretly install cameras in the home.
  • Threats by the abuser to kill the woman, the children, members of the woman's family, or himself, including details of how and where he will do so.
  • Property is destroyed, including cars, furniture, clothes and the house.
  • Refers to you using offensive language, considers them "a thing", also uses terms like, "slut".
  • Being cornered because the abuser takes her car keys, drains her gas tank, steals or destroys her phone so she can't seek help.
  • To never be left alone; women can be followed from room to room; they are accompanied to all activities outside the home.

Sexual violence/sexual abuse - any non-consensual sexual activity; Unpleasant touches and various insults, caused to the victim during or in connection with the sexual act, including marital rape.

Examples of sexual violence include:

  • Being repeatedly raped and beaten: being forcibly undressed and raped; to be told that it is her duty to have sex with the abuser.
  • Being raped in front of the children.
  • Being violated in special cases of physical vulnerability, for example, right after the birth of a child.
  • Sexual degradation including the use of graphic and explicit pornography.

Economic violence - Economic abuse leads to a decrease in the victim's resources and autonomy. Controlling the victim's access to money or personal belongings, food, means of transport, telephone, and other sources of protection or care from which they could benefit.

Examples of economic violence include:

  • Control over family finances.
  • Not being allowed to have an independent income.
  • The obligation to account for all expenses including bringing receipts and accounting for everything spent.
  • Not being allowed to buy personal items such as sanitary pads.
  • Take all the woman's bank cards and empty the joint accounts.
  • Non-payment or irregular payment of child support.
  • Forging the woman's signatures on checks.
  • Withholding money from women who don't want to have sex.
  • Not giving money for food to women and children and money to pay maintenance bills.
  • He uses the recession as a reason to justify his abuse.

Social violence - the cessation of activities and social relations, isolation in the situation of being a victim of violence in the framework that favors its aggression on the level of private and intimate life. It leads to the victim's isolation and lack of social support, with difficulties in getting out of violent situations.

Myths (or "what the world says") about domestic violence...face to face with reality

  • "Women cause violence and deserve it!" WRONG! Violence is not a way to solve problems. Men have no right to abuse a woman in any way, regardless of the "challenge"! NO ONE DESERVES TO BE AFRAID OF HIM AT HOME!!!
  • "It's not violence, it's just a joke!" WRONG! There is a clear difference between strife and violence: while in strife the level of power is roughly equal, when violence intervenes the strength and power ratios are not the same, one having categorically more power than the other.
  • "Violence only happens in poor or low-educated families." WRONG! The frequency and severity of violence do not depend on the level of education, nor on the material condition, it occurs at the level of all social strata.
  • "Domestic violence is a private matter, no one should interfere!" WRONG! The extension of this phenomenon and the complexity of the consequences on the victims, the children, the family and society, in general, make this "social disease" a problem for us, for all of us!
  • "Actually, women like to live like this, otherwise they would leave!" WRONG! It is easy to judge others, but there are many obstacles due to which some women do not leave their partner: lack of financial means to support their children, fear, mentality (gradually, the abuser makes her believe that she cannot manage without him), lack of a shelter afterwards, fear of others' judgment, etc.
  • "Violent men are that way because they were abused/mistreated as children or come from violent families." WRONG! Although many of the men suffered abuse in childhood, not all, becoming adults, repeat the abuse in their relationships.
  • "Violent men are mentally ill." WRONG! Studies say that a small percentage of abusers suffer from such diseases.
  • "Men abuse women because they don't know any other way to express their feelings." WRONG! Reality disproves this idea, among other things, even through the behavior of the abuser in the so-called "honey phase" that follows the violence: the man seems to regret it, asks for forgiveness, promises not to repeat it again.
  • "Alcohol is the cause of domestic violence." WRONG! Although it is a strong favoring factor, in half of the cases, the abuser was not intoxicated.
  • "Violence will stop once and for all!" WRONG! The studies show that, once started, the cycle of violence has minimal chances to stop, a fact also revealed by the popular saying: "who gives one slap, gives the second one too!".
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The consequences on children's development

The main function of the family, raising children, is distorted with far-reaching and dramatic consequences in the future. Disturbance of this function generally occurs as a chronic disease state that is exacerbated during violent events. Research shows that the trauma of children who grow up in an atmosphere of violence, even if they are not the direct victims, is more intense and with deeper and more lasting consequences than in the case of children who are direct victims of abuse and neglect by their parents (Catheline, Marcelli, 1999).

In a family haunted by violence, children grow up in an atmosphere where their basic needs (the need for safety, orderly life, love) are deeply neglected.

Parental functions can no longer be fulfilled. A mother victim of her husband's violence is less able to provide the basic care necessary for the child (food, house, hygiene, clothes, physical health) or to protect it from injuries, accidents, physical or social dangers.

Overwhelmed by shame for what is happening to her, by the feeling of failure in the most important interpersonal relationship, by terror, by self-accusations (Polman, 1994), the woman is no longer able to play any of the roles imposed by family life.

In the atmosphere of violence, the child most often becomes neglected, exposed to all evils, in fact he remains in a solitude filled only by the screams of those around him. This situation is probably also the explanation for the large number of domestic accidents whose victims are children.

The children who grow up in violent families develop behaviors and a physical condition that makes them easily recognizable. They present:

  • Physical problems, unexplained illnesses, exposed to accidents at home and outside the home, slower physical development;
  • Emotional and mental problems: increased anxiety, feeling of guilt, fear of abandonment, isolation, anger, fear of injury and death;
  • Psychological problems: self-doubt, depression, comparison with the happier life of colleagues;
  • Behavioral problems: aggression or passivity to the aggressions of others, sleep problems, enuresis, beatings, running away from home, pregnancies at a young age, relationships to escape from home, mutilation, drug and alcohol use, defensive behavior with lying;
  • School problems - mistrust, elimination, sudden changes in school performance, lack of concentration, lack of social manners;
  • Identification with negative heroes.

Something less taken into account until now is the fact that the phenomenon of suicide and suicide attempts has increased among young people, and that the damaged family climate and poor communication within the family are on the first place among the causes.

What do you do if you have become a victim?

  • Notify the Police, file a report complaint!
  • Go to the Institute of Forensic Medicine to have one issued to you medico-legal certificate; it proves the injuries caused by assault and is important for the legal classification of the act;
  • Address the General Directorate for the Protection of Children's Rights, if there are children involved;
  • Ask for the help of organizations that offer advice, support, shelter;
  • DO NOT WITHDRAW YOUR COMPLAINT!! You deceive yourself by believing his promises that he won't hit you again, that he won't drink anymore... Take courage, if not for yourself, then for your children! Don't stay in pain so that "the children don't grow up without a father", you are doing them MORE HARM!

Source note — Romanian Police:

The present information comes from https://politiaromana.ro/

Domestic violence represents a major risk for the victim's health. In addition to the immediate effects on physical and mental health, violence increases the risk of acquiring severe long-term health problems.

The consequences on physical health are:

  • self-destructive behavior (smoking, unprotected sex);
  • alcohol or drug use;
  • gastrointestinal disorders;
  • asthma;
  • migraines and headaches;
  • bodily harm;
  • partial or permanent disabilities;
  • death.

Consequences on the mental state:

  • depression;
  • anxiety, fear;
  • low self-esteem;
  • sexual dysfunctions;
  • nutrition and sleep disorders;
  • obsessive-compulsive disorders;
  • post-traumatic stress disorders;
  • suicidal

Most victims are women. A WHO report published five years ago shows that between 5 and 45% of women in Europe have been assaulted by their intimate partner at some point in their lives.

Reproductive health consequences include:

  • unwanted pregnancies;
  • gynecological problems;
  • premature births;
  • low birth weight of the child resulting from a destructive relationship;
  • pelvic inflammatory diseases;
  • chronic pelvic pain;
  • maternal and infant mortality and morbidity.

Involvement of authorities and collaboration between institutions

No matter how much the victims try to hide their suffering, there are situations when it comes to the surface, at which point the specialists or the people the victim turns to can intervene and help. Whether it ends up at a medical office or a police station, the identification and management of situations of this kind is more of a process than an act in itself, that's why collaboration between institutions is extremely important.

The victim of domestic violence can contact the following institutions:

  • Urgent reception units within the hospital or family doctor, for medical care;
  • The police, to file a complaint against the aggressor;
  • Institute (service, laboratory) of Forensic Medicine, to obtain a medico-legal certificate;
  • the General Directorate of Social Assistance and Child Protection, to benefit from specific social services;
  • Family violence centers (shelters, recovery centers for victims of domestic violence), to benefit from temporary accommodation, social assistance, psychological and legal counseling, social and professional reinsertion, information or guidance to other institutions;
  • A non-governmental organization (NGO) that offers specialized social services for victims of domestic violence;
  • To the Directorate of Labor and Social Protection - the Department for combating domestic violence, to obtain information, advice and guidance to the competent institutions.

Source note — MedLife:

The present information comes from https://www.medlife.ro/

Domestic violence, compared to other types of violence, has its specific aspects, criminalized by law. These are:

1. Permanent access of the aggressor to the victim. In the private space of the home, there are no safe, 'shelter' places, and that is precisely why the aggressor has total control over the victim or victims. An aspect of terrorizing and the helplessness of the victims is highlighted here.

2. The predictable unfolding of violent events, in a cyclical form, with multiple episodes, inevitable and increasingly frequent and severe over time.

3. Engaging the entire family system. All members of the violent family become victims - direct and indirect - of the aggressor.

1. In the case of domestic violence, there are changes in the personality structure of all those involved.
The victim will slowly lose his self-esteem and will develop undesirable defensive mechanisms by which he will try to face the situation. The risk of giving in at a certain moment increases as the situation becomes chronic. He can end up chronically unemployed, an alcoholic maintaining relations with the social environment outside the family only in selected groups from marginal environments, with disorders of social integrity.
As for the personality changes of children under the influence of the atmosphere of violence in the family, the statistics that show a passing of violent behavior from one generation to another in a proportion of 75%, are probably the most convincing and cruel testimony.

2. The emotional relations between the two poles of the conflict are another characteristic of domestic violence. Perhaps the most deviant emotional manifestation in the aggressor-victim relationship is the Stockholm syndrome. The syndrome, described in situations of terror in which the victims end up feeling emotionally connected to the aggressor, to be on his side in case external measures are taken against him, is a pathological manifestation of attachment.

The rules by which this life is established are: the threat to life and interspersing some moments of weakening the threat or even tolerance and understanding, during the threat.
Also, taking into account the abnormality of these experiences, the funny explanations that are often heard among the absent guards: "she stays because she likes it, if she didn't like it she would leave" or "I don't interfere, because if I do, she will be the one who will blame me for having intervened and defend the aggressor" are unacceptable.

3. The secret, private character, which makes the victim have less access to sources of support, invariably appears in the case of family violence. If at the beginning, the victims surprised by the aggressor had the intention to seek help, to tell their loved ones, over time, they can no longer do it, because they are subject to a
more or less explicit order of the aggressor, that of removing his family and friends, the ones he could turn to in difficult moments.

4. Non-interventionism. It represents the tendency of others to keep such manifestations under wraps and is a specific feature recorded by all the literature in the field. This specificity of domestic violence led Felson to a triangular description of it, having the following support points: the aggressor, the victim and the "absent guardian".
5. The torture aspects of the female victim are almost present in domestic violence.

6. Domestic violence has a wide range of manifestations: mental, physical, sexual and social. They can be combined in an infernal amalgam and with certain obvious, surface, but also deep consequences for the victims. Women who lose their confidence and joy in life, children who grow up learning violence as a method of exchange in relationships with others are the dramatic proofs of
profound changes that occur in the case of victims of domestic violence.
The main function in the family, that of raising the young generations, making them capable of an autonomous life and of assuming the responsibility of raising the next generation, is profoundly altered by violence.

Brazelton and Greenspan (2001), identify the child's needs for normal development as:
1. The need to have warm, close, stable emotional relationships;
2. The need to be physically protected, to have safety and a regular life;
3. The need to have experiences adapted to the child's level of development;
4. The need to have limits, a structured daily life and responsibilities appropriate to the level of development;
5. The need for experiences appropriate to the child's individual differences, his particular interests;
6. The need to live in a stable community, to benefit from its support and culture;
7. The need to have a protected future.


Violent parents will expose children to physical risks, either by targeting them during violent incidents or by neglecting them.
In violent families, the stability and regularity of life is interrupted by violent events and there is no special concern to provide the child with the experiences he needs, in accordance with his age and particularities.

The responsibilities given to children usually exceed their capacities, becoming abuses. Asked about her desire to have children when she grows up, a girl coming from a violent couple, answers: "yes, I want to have children because I want someone to take care of me too, because I'm tired of taking care of my parents...".


The rule of existence of violent families is their marginalization in the community. As a consequence of this marginalization, most illiterate children or school dropouts come from violent families.

As for the future, one of the distinctive signs of victims of domestic violence is the absence of future plans, just as the ability of the female victim to build a future plan and to follow it consistently is a sign of her rehabilitation, after living with a violent partner.

WHO program for the prevention of violence

The morbid consequences of violence led the WHO to launch, in 1996, a program to prevent violence, especially manifestations of violence in the family.

The program indicates 4 levels of risk and, at the same time, of necessary interventions to address the phenomenon:

1. The individual level:
The risk of violence is given by previous experiences of abuse and rejection, as well as illness and mental disorders.
It is obvious that extensive community education programs can be of maximum use at this level.

2. The interpersonal level:
The risk of violence is related to the consumption of alcohol or drugs, the man's control over family assets, as well as conflicts within the family.
Prevention means increasing family cohesion, cultivating good relationships between parents and children, and encouraging women to take part in controlling household income.

3. Institutional level:
It is represented by the causal factors for violent behaviors: low socioeconomic status, unemployment, etc.
Prevention can materialize by attending schools and community educational programs, developing services and facilities for families in the neighborhood, etc.

4. The structural level:
The risk of violence is accompanied by the cultural tolerance of violence in dispute resolution, the promotion of rigid gender roles and the cultivation of male dominance.
Protection is represented by political stability, a control of the labor market, the promotion of gender equality and nonviolence in society.

As long as domestic violence is ignored, allowed to continue its secret and devastating existence, we cannot speak of a real social policy, aiming for a good quality of life for the individual and the family.

Bibliographic note on domestic violence:

The present information comes from Violence, General aspects - volume coord. by Gilles Ferreol and Adrian Neculau, Roman Encyclopedic Dictionary - vol. IV, Politica publishing house, Bucharest 1966, http://www.psihiatrie.org/artb/violenta-si-boala-ps-1.php?idr=86 , Violence and mental illness - D. PRELIPCEANU, https://dgaspctr.ro/violenta-si-abuzul-in-familie-si-societatea/

You can't control the abuse, but you can make certain decisions to protect yourself and your family

The decision to stay

Leaving an abusive relationship can be very difficult and probably not the best option for you at any given time. If you plan to stay in this relationship, you can take some precautions. For example:

  • Keep a phone in a room that locks from the inside and memorize emergency phone numbers.
  • Carry a mobile phone.
  • Decide and plan where you will go if you leave home (even if you don't think you will need to).
  • Make up an emergency code for your children, friends, relatives or neighbors to alert them that you are in trouble and need help.
  • If it is safe to do so, then prepare a bag/backpack to keep important phone numbers and useful things in a place where you can grab it quickly in case you need to leave in a hurry.

If you are attacked and in immediate danger:

  • Call the Police 112 when you can.
  • Leave if you can.
  • If you can't leave, then try to avoid places like the kitchen or garage where there are many potential weapons.
  • Also try to avoid small rooms like the closet or other tight places where you will feel trapped. Try not to go into rooms where there are no windows.
  • Try to let friends, relatives or a neighbor know that you are in trouble and need help.

Get ready to go

If you plan to leave, decide when and where you will go.

  • It is good to confess to the children that you may have to leave home at some point. Make sure they are old enough to understand that this needs to be kept a secret and comfort them that you have plans to protect and protect them but you need their cooperation for it.
  • Try to make an escape plan and show it to your children.
  • Make up an emergency code to let your kids know it's time to leave NOW.
  • If you can, open a savings account in your name to establish and increase your own financial independence.
  • Find the person who will allow you and the children to stay with them or lend you some money.
  • Leave a set of keys, money and xerox copies of important documents with someone you trust.
  • Check the safety plan with the Women's Aid Organization or a person who supports you in this decision.

What to take?

If you leave, try to take the essentials, especially documents and papers that will be harder to retrieve later. But remember that the most important thing is to get to a safe place. Don't worry if you don't manage to get any of the things mentioned below. You can return for them later, accompanied by someone to help you.

The essentials:

  • money
  • Clothes
  • Identity documents (driver's license, passport, birth certificates for you and children)
  • Medicines
  • Bank cards, credit cards
  • Car, house and office keys
  • Children's favorite toys and blankets.
  • Important phone numbers

Other useful things:

  • Health insurance information
  • Acts for social assistance
  • School and medical documents and papers
  • Health card, medical documents for children
  • Home documents such as the rental agreement, title deed or account statements of mortgage payments.
  • Financial documents
  • Marriage certificate
  • Court orders of protection
  • Custody acts
  • Immigration documents
  • Sentimental things like favorite photos or books.

Things to do to stay safe after you leave

We know that leaving an abusive relationship doesn't mean the violence is over. Many women experience abuse from ex-partners. That's why you need to take steps to be safe in your new home.

For example:

  • Keep in touch with the Women's Aid Organization and your local domestic violence service. They will help you stay safe as circumstances change.
  • Get an anonymous phone number that won't be displayed.
  • A device that displays the phone numbers that call you and with a robot.
  • Save all messages that threaten you or violate any domestic violence court order.
  • Open new accounts, in your name only.
  • Avoid staying at home alone and diversify your daily routine – change the way you get to work, and don't go to the same bank or shop too often. If you must meet your partner, try to do so in a public place. Women's Aid will discuss these issues with you during a safety planning session.
  • Train children to know what to do if they see the abuser, and let their teacher know that only you are allowed to pick up children from school. Try to make sure that no one at your children's school will divulge your contact details.
  • Talk about your situation with your boss at work and organize protective measures at work as well. This can refer to your lunch break, don't go to the table alone, ask a colleague to accompany you to the bus stop or parking space. You can also give your boss a picture of your abuser in case of a confrontation at work.

Source note — Women’s Aid:

The present information comes from https://www.womensaid.ie/ro/safetyplanning5.html